Sox-ually Aroused.

Thanks to Dan at Red Sox Monster for digging up this gem.  As soon as I saw the play, I was hoping that someone, anyone would be able to track down that lone, lucky Sox fan on the receiving end of one of the greatest high-fives ever recorded in the history of recorded high- fives– which I’m certain is longer than you’d think. 

Randy, congrats on being immortalized in the Manny Being Manny canon for eons to come as this was, to date, probably the best example of his awesomeness.  Other than, you know, excusing himself from the actual game by hiding in the scoreboard.  But still.  Pretty effing classic.

Here’s a link to the exchange from A Lost Ogle that further explains the coolest thing I’ve seen in recent memory.  Randy will be signing hands at a soon to be disclosed location.  Stay tuned.

A sampling:

2. What was the reaction of the crowd around you afterwards?

The crowd didn’t seem to notice the high-five so much as the great play. The only one that made note of it to me was the husband and wife next to me. He was listening to the radio broadcast and told me that they’d been talking about that play for the last 10 minutes. I still couldn’t believe it happened. It was so fast. The heckling fans behind me who were yelling at him the whole game suddenly went quiet, and didn’t say much afterwards.

My guess is that their silence didn’t last long. But it’s still a nice little kick in the patoot of the homebirds.

I’ll link the article as well, but it truly does deserve to be reposted in all of its glory.

Is There A Yankees Golden Thong?

BOSTON (WBZ) ― You can’t always believe what you read, but Red Sox fans have to read this.

New York Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi reportedly wears a gold, tiger-stripe thong under his uniform when he wants to break out of a slump.

That’s what he told Portfolio.com.

“I only put it on when I’m desperate to get out of a big slump,” he said.

He also claims to lend it to teammates who are also having problems at the plate.

Giambi told Portfolio he has left the “golden thong” in the lockers of Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Johnny Damon, Robin Ventura, and Robinson Cano.

“All of them wore it and got hits,” he said. “The thong works every time.”

None of the Yankees has commented on Giambi’s claim yet.

The thong might not be helping him - or his teammates - much this season.

Giambi, 37, is hitting .188 with 7 home runs and 20 runs batted in 34 games.

The Yankees are in last place in the American League East.

I… just… vomitted.

I seriously, seriously love everything about this man.

The nation’s largest Apple store is now officially opened on Boylston Street in Massachusetts.  And ever the genius empire, Apple knew exactly how to market their newest flagship store to a New England audience.  Coinciding rather comfortably with a Red Sox off-day, it seems the boys engaged in some retail therapy to erase the memories of the madness that was RoadTripOfTears ‘08.  And now the guys are home and fully stocked on the latest in Tek-nical gadgets.  See what I did there?  I punned our Capitan. But it’s fitting, don’t you think? Take a gander at the photographic proof.

Photo Courtesy of BostonHerald.com

The pun remains. 

According to Fox 25 in Boston, the Sox in attendance were Jason Varitek, Coco Crisp, Jon Lester, Jacoby Ellsbury, Jonathan Papelbon, and J.D. Drew.  The Boston Herald adds Manny Delcarmen to that list, and Surviving Grady is reporting that Clay Buchholz and Javier Lopez werealso present.  As was Javy’s stunning jawbone.  And some guys who are not Steven Tyler from some band named Aerosmith were present.  Bo-ring.

Now, as far as I know, Apple god Steve Jobs has not identified with any one major league team in particular.  But as Fox 25 was certain to point out, the new Boylston Street store is in fact bigger than the famed Apple store on Fifth Ave in New York City making it the new reigning world champ of technical meccas.  Coincidence?   Not according to Craig Shannon of Fitchburg who almost had the quote of the day when he proclaimed:

We’re the Bigger Apple.  That’s right.  Take that, New York.

And I say almost because just edging him out for the QOTD honors was Coco Crisp whose shocking confession provided us with an interesting look into the off-field lives of the team.

Actually, Schills got me into this new game. World Of Warcraft. And, uh, it’s been pretty big… Yeah, it’s all his fault.

Okay, with my limited knowledge of any video games beyond simulated instruments and rock concerts, I’m fairly certain that World Of Warcraft is about as nerdy as you can get. And I love, love, love the fact that it’s not only a favorite of Curt “God Of October” Schilling, but that the popularity of the game is spreading like wildfire across the clubhouse. And now my imagination is running wild with the possible scenarios playing out on flights to away games. I’m forseeing tournaments and long, in-depth conversations about strategies.  Oh, I love it.

Here are some more photos and screenshots from the Red Sox Shop-A-Thon last night:

Jon Lester and his gal pal. Photo Courtesy of BostonHerald.com.

J.D. Drew and Coco Crisp making intelligent purchases.

Jacoby Ellsbury making the nerds look even nerdier.

Jonathan Papelbon whisked away by security. Probably again.
All ScreenShots courtesy of Fox25’s video footage.

It seems as though the boys had an enjoyable evening.  But where was Beckkkkett?  And what was being done about the twenty-eighth anniversary of the birth of this the filthiest pitcher in major league baseball today?  Stippers, I bet.  Happy belated, Hoss. 

And we’re back home tonight and Dice-K takes the mound.  I’m feeling good.

Um. Hi. What the hell just happened?

First, our ace starts out rougher than rough when he should have been as smooth as his hairless arms. Second, our middle relief actually came to the rescue. Cue Aardsma. Third, Youk in right field? Fourth, Drew and Crisp both out for injuires and illnesses, respectively. Finally, and possibly the most wild of occurences, Papi is ejected. Ejected. As in thrown out. Tossed. Canned. For a bullshit call. Can someone hold me? Please?

This world is so bizarre, in fact, I actually expected Lugo to error from the bench. Because it wouldn’t surprise me with the way tonight’s events unfolded.

… alright. It wouldn’t surprise me in any universe. But let’s just say that I felt the window was open for it, as though something that wildly impossible (sort of) was about to happen next.

However, I’m determined to look at the bright spots in tonight’s otherwise gloomy game. They are as follows:

1.) Josh Beckkett post-game press conferences peppered with expletives are always guaranteed to make me smile despite shiteous losses like the one experienced tonight.
2.) Kevin Youkilis has further cemented his status as Grade- A badass by taking over in the outfield.  The outfield.  The o-u-t-f-i-e-l-d outfield.  Renaissance man of the highest degree, indeed.
3.) Sean Casey is here to stay. And smile incessantly.
4.) Alex Cora’s average just looks so pretty.
5.) Jacoby Ellsbury’s legs appear to operate via horsepower.

And finally…

6.) It’s. Only. Effing. May.

Yes, I know. The losses– especially losses this close– are awful. But there’s still much more baseball to be played and many more asses to be kicked.

Don’t get comfy, Tampa.

Con-fucking-gratu-fucking-la-fucking-tion-fucking-s, Sir.  Fuck. 

1,000th career strikeout recorded tonight.  As if the world of Major League Baseball didn’t already believe that you’re wielding a pair of titanium swingers, you have to go and solidify your reputation of complete and total badassness by ticking off K #K ever so cooly, ever so in command.  You’re uncensored, unapologetic, unmerciful, undeniable, unbelievable… and really, really — like, really– criminally good looking.

Fuck.

Oh yeah. Sox won 5-1. And Youk is made of molten awesome.

Vintage E6 Suckage Photo Courtesy of NJDevils & Boston Dirtdogs

I’m over you. I’m so, so over you. I’m so, so, so over you that I’ve looped around two and a half times and now I’m standing in front of you and I’m pounding the suck right out of you. But, alas, I cannot rid you of that much suck as you regenerate your suck bone with every verbal and physical pummel you receive. Yeah, the suck bone; which I’m assuming is located somewhere in your right arm. You know. The one you can’t gain control of. No, you’re other right arm. Oh. Alright, fine. Both of them. Two big suck bones.

I’m angry.

Two Youk bombs and a three run homer by Eyebrows McGee are not enough to make me forget the suck that is you and the error that robbed Pap (though very un-Pap like tonight, which is forgivable given the rareity) of a save.

Gagne 2008.

I can’t even… I need a drink.  Why?  Because this should never, ever happen whilst I’m sober:

I apologize now for the awful pun. But I cannot resist.

95 pitches with 65 strikes. Tim Wakefield, you’re just stellar. And how nice that despite his dominating performance of allowing only two hits and striking out six over your eight inning run, the offense decides to make your knuckleball even more devastating in the seventh with the first pair of back to back homeruns from the bad boys, Papi & Manny.

That brings Manny’s all time moonshot count up to 497. Though if I had my way, last night’s blast would have counted for two as he ca-rushed right over the center field wall, over a whopping 420 feet away. Madness. Complete madness. Maybe those banners in Fenway aren’t so much of a jinx afterall.

And let’s talk for a moment about Kevin Cash. Now, as much as I absolutely shudder at the thought of this team without Jason Varitek there to call the shots, I’m starting to become more and more supportive of Cash with each catch and if last night’s game is any indication of his leadership abilities it makes a Tek-less Sox (slight twitch) a bit easier to deal with.

It was Cash that noticed a mechanical error in Wakefield’s delivery during his last start against the Rays.

Wakefield has a tendency to step toward the left-handed batter’s box when he delivers a pitch, which can affect his release point and, therefore, his control. Cash saw it happening regularly, so he pointed it and the two of them worked with pitching coach John Farrell to correct the problem.

Way to step up, Cash. Especially with someone as seasoned (but clearly every bit as studly) as Wakefield.

Wakefield and Cash agreed after Tuesday’s game that the mechanical problem didn’t resurface, and both said it had a lot to do with his impressive control.

“When I don’t do it, I feel a lot better,” Wakefield said.

Alright, alright. Breathe. See? There is life after Tek. But in light of the Posadas and the whatnots, Tek’s retirement (choke back sobs) could very well be far enough away for me to cope properly.

Serves me right for falling behind.  We’ve got a lot to cover.

First and foremost: Welcome back to the game, Mikey Lowell & David Ortiz.  And a happy Cinco De Mayo to all.  Two two-run homers last night by Lowell and the ever-shiny Kevin Youkilis and one solo rocket by Papi were just about glorious enough to make me forget about the eight walks Matsuzaka served up throughout his run.  He’s subsequently awarded a win, advancing his record to an “impressive” 5-0.  Personally, I’ve never invested much in wins and losses for pitchers for reasons like Beckett’s second “loss” of the season against the Rays last month in which he delivered a career high thirteen strikeouts.  Something seems off- balance, but that’s just my opinion.

So thank you, big bats.  Thank you for your return.  It’s good to have you here again.  And I’m sure your kitten- faced starter has many thanks for you as well.  As he effing should.

I watched the game on ESPN last night and one of the broadcasters (cannot remember who) mentioned that Tito had said prior to the game that on nights when Matsuzaka pitches, El Capitan’s focus is wholly centered on the mound and the little man on it, and to not expect any hits from him as on these nights, he feels he only has one responsibility during those games.  And that’s to make the guy throw strikes.  In less than 4857643 pitches.

It’s a blessing that Tito is already quite bald. 

Now on to a more sobering topic.  By now, everyone has heard of the tragedy in Nashua over the weekend and everyone has their own piece to say about it; most of what I’ve seen addresses the Sox/ Yanks rivalry.  But in all honesty, I see that as an unfortunate bit of trivia in the grand scheme of the matter.  While it’s unclear what exactly was said and how much of a part the said rivalry played in the sad events of that evening should not matter.  The fact is that a man, much too young, lost his life at the hands of someone with seemingly deeper issues than uniforms and box scores.  And he did so while shielding and ultimately saving his friend’s life at the expense of his own.

Truly, this has nothing to do with sport’s rivalries.  I’m sorry.  I just don’t see it that way.  It’s not a rivalry gone too far because this battle has been carried on over years and years of heated exchanges and fan nonsense.  While some could argue that the respective fandom acts a catalyst for these tragic brawl, it all boils down to human decency and deeper laden, unresolved anger issues and obvious chemical imbalances.  So don’t blame the fans and the feuds as a whole, look at this incident for what it is: a tragic occurence but one with a final act of kindness and bravery.

Dan at Red Sox Monster wrote up this post and petition in favor of honoring the late Matthew Beaudoin in some capacity at the next Red Sox home game.  Honestly, it’s a brilliant idea.  And it goes beyond the feud.  It would be a chance for this already beloved organization to honor a brave man who also happened to be a fan and a part of Red Sox Nation.  It will bring the decency back.  Sign, please.

And because I cannot end this post on that note, I’ll provide you all with this little nugget of video gold from a man who’s certain to bring smiles to fan faces and tears soiled unis to opposing batters.

Ladies & Gents:  Pap.  Amen.

A walk-off indeed, Billy Zane. A walk-off indeed.

Like Zoolander and Hansel before them, Sox stud Jon Lester and the Jays’ (losing) Roy Halladay found themselves smack dab in the middle of an awesome pitcher’s duel. On paper, it may have appeared that Lester could be the weaker of the two, but that certainly wasn’t the case Tuesday night. And while I can’t pick up NESN from my home, I can rely on text and video message updates on my Verizon wireless phone and they made no mention of this particular battle ending in someone’s underoos being cleverly ripped out from within one’s pants. So I’m alleging that such an event didn’t happen. But with yet another save under his belt, I wouldn’t put underpants antics past Papelbon: the Zoolander-y-est one of them all. Example:

Hair-

Loyal Entourage-

Blue Steel-

But in keeping with the comparison and cross referrencing of the BoSox and Ben Stiller B-Rate parodies, the real walk-off winner would come to us in the most un-model-y-est frames, with a beard that shames Todd Helton’s Just For Men look. Like we can be fooled, Mr. H. Psh.

Yooooooooouuuuuk made sure to solidify his status on the team as Grade-A badass when he drove Papi home. Papi home. From second. He had to haul his Large Father ass quite a ways and, let’s be honest, had Wells done well and not bobbled the ball, that scene may have played out a bit differently as Papi is, well, Big. I can almost hear the ambulances now. One for Papi’s broken behind and 33,000 others for the fans and their brand new heart attacks. Convoy!

The slump may be stopped for now, but it wasn’t without an epic battle between two solid bullpens and a Sox offense that should never, ever be doubted.

Congrats, Yooooouuuuk. You’re the stuff. And hairy is the new black, bra.